Throwback: BALI May 2019
This trip marked the beginning of my Nomad Life. And to be absolutely clear: It was never my intention to live like a nomad. That just kinda happened. However: My Soul probably just decided that it was about time to grow into my sagittarian nature. And even though I was fighting it for a long time, after all, I am happy about it :)
In February 2019 I was on the train from Hamburg, where I was looking for an apartment, when I received an Email from my Teacher, announcing a Training and a Retreat in Bali in the end of May. I immediately threw all my ideas on moving to Hamburg over board and decided that I had to go to Bali and participate in those trainings instead. I moved out of my room, gave away almost all of my stuff and that was that.
The plan was to become a Teacher and the „german face“ of the modality that I got trained in. My teacher was quite fond of me and I had dear Collegues who were on a similar journey and we supported each other on our endeavors. We had a wonderful, even though for me quite intense, time at the Retreat and Teacher-Training. However the following months went very different then I planned. And that is actually what I want to talk about today, and share more about Bali another time.
At the moment there is a topic present in the collective about how important it is to let go of CONTROL and instead SURRENDER to the process and TRUST that our Soul knows best. It is important for us to trust that there is DIVINE ORDER in the Chaos. All the cards are in the air right now and after they slowly settled again, we will discover that the new deck we’ve been played matches our true longings way better, then what our Ego perceived as the „right thing to do“.
After I finished the trainings in Bali, I thought I would spend the next months in Bali, do tons of spiritual stuff, set up the German Business for MAT and then find the place where I feel I belong and settle. Basically: I had it all planned out, the road to reach true Happiness. You know the saying: Men plan and the Gods laugh? What actually happened doesn’t even come close to my Egos well laid plans. At first, of course, I was resisting it. And what I was actually resisting was the voice of my Soul, my true calling. For months I tried to „heal“ myself from the inability to commit, the lack of perseverance and all the other things I think I was lacking and that were „keeping me“ from doing the work to set up the Business and move through with my plans. I was struggling and I had a lot of resistance within me. And of course, from my perspective, „resistance“ was a bad thing and needed to be „solved“ and „healed“ (these are the darker sides of „healing“ which is actually not healing at all, anyways - another time more about that). The people I turned to about this issue, were mostly voicing the same things: you have commitment issues, you need to develop your masculine strength and so on. They were not coming from a bad place and they were also not really wrong. However, after I was torturing myself for about 5 months, I finally realized: I just didn’t WANT to found that Business. I didn’t WANT to! Something didn’t feel FEEL right. It didn’t really RESONATE. There was nothing to heal. I also realized that looking back on my life, I actually never had an issue committing to projects and following through and being determined to bring them to a successful end: IF I WANTED to do them, if I was PASSIONATE about those projects. The only commitment issues I have are the issues I have when I commit to something that isn’t right for me.
The baseline is: I didn’t listen to my intuition, I didn’t listen to my Soul, and I therefor made it so much harder for me, because I was trying to force myself into becoming something that others thought I was „supposed to be“, and into somebody who was doing „the right“ thing, the thing everybody else was expecting from me. And so, of course my Ego thought so too.
Within the last few days of January 24, I realized once more, how often I am still lying to myself, because my Ego want’s to make things easier for me (which is a valid reason, of course). And there was a lot of grief coming up, about all the times I lied to myself and tried to force myself into being something I wasn’t and committing to things, I simply am not designed for. Coming back to The „sagittarian nature“ I was referring to earlier: I have 4 planets in Sag and also my MC and the South Node. I am not SUPPOSED to be, or do it like everybody else! Every time I tried to force myself to stay at a place, in order to „overcome“ my „commitment-issues“, I was literally hurting myself ending up in situations of betrayal, depression or serious physical pain.
Pluto leaving Capricorn will hopefully make it easier for me now to be in alignment with my Soul, to LISTEN and to FOLLOW the VOICE OF MY HEART instead of all the noise and chatter around me. The only person you need to trust is YOU! There are no other trust issues, you do not have to learn to trust other people, that’s bullshit. The only person you have to learn to trust is YOU. And therefore you will have to forgive yourself first, for all the times you didn’t listen to your intuition, all the times you betrayed yourself, you got yourself into situations you already felt weren’t good for you. You have to forgive yourself for every time you listened to another person instead of your own heart. Forgive yourself for every time you hurt yourself, because you gave your power away to another person, societal conformity, your parents, your Ego. Nobody can really harm you, if you listen to your Soul. And then: have the COURAGE to FOLLOW.
Just a side note: If anybody ever tells you that they know you better than you know yourself: run.
